I had pizza for dinner.  I’m almost doing the Fast Five Protocol at the moment.  More like the Fast One really.

I’ve been using my kettlebells a bit more lately.  They help with grip strength and they are versatile.  Mostly the 35 and 50 lb ones.

Bed time.  I’m hungry and loving it…

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We worked on his “in class essay” earlier in the week.  5 potential essay topics assigned.  We worked for hours to prepare.  Yesterday he wrote the essay.  Apparently the teacher decided that he’d give them a new topic rather than the ones he’d asked them to study.  Given how hard Liam worked to prepare, I must say that I am disappointed that what he studied was not directly part of the exercise.   An inexcusable breach of trust really.  A man’s word should be his bond, especially when setting an example for students.

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I believe that parenting, finances, relationships and communication should be taught in school.   I have never…read NEVER, used my geography, French lit, history, social studies, or phys-ed in ANY useful fashion.

Yet I HAVE struggled with those meat and potato skills that no one seems to feel need to be taught.

Parenting in particular is a trial and error effort.  I make so many darn mistakes.  I have heard that anyone can learn from their own mistakes but that it takes someone exceptional to learn from the mistakes of others.  Well I fall squarely in the company of the former group.  Not to say that things are going badly because they aren’t.  My boys are good guys.

My biggest lessons?

1. Don’t battle for anything that isn’t very important.  If I am arbitrary, they lose confidence in me.  Kids don’t need to be controlled.  I think it is harmful.  Eventually they realize that they don’t have to do what I say.  I have had a few times when I needed them to take my advice (desperately), and when my explanations and arguments haven’t sufficed, and yet they have chosen to listen.   I have a reservoir  of faith built up I guess.
2. Talk to them.  About anything.  Everything.  All the time.  Take interest in their stuff.  Do things together.   Ask them questions.  Just be interested.   It’s not complicated.  Just be there and be present.  No agenda.  No influence.  And LISTEN.  Listen.  They notice when you do.
3. Keep your word.  Always.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Boasting is similar to breaking your word.  So is false praise.  Kids see through it and I think it’s harmful.  Really, they measure us by our actions and not our words.  They notice when we are hypocrites.   So keep your word.  Drive the speed limit.  Deal with people honestly.  Speak positively of others.  They DO notice.

It’s a work in progress.  Today we worked on some school volunteer opportunities and had a coffee and a long talk.  Now we are watching “The Day The Earth Stood Still”.

Life is good.

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Had a massage today (Annette got me 2 for Christmas because my back has been bothering me).  My right hip took a serious turn for the worse yesterday after BJJ.  I went to Active Health here in Kingston.  Kurtis worked on both hips at the back.  Apparently they are pretty seized up.  The pain is in the right but the left seemed way tighter when he was working on it.  I really have to focus on my breathing when he goes deep.  It freakin’ hurts.

Then I went home and grilled Aidan before his oral French exam.  He left and I did a quick Crossfit workout because I am brain dead and deep down don’t want relief from my back pain.  As many rounds as possible in 20 minutes of:

• 5 pullups,
• 10 pushups
• 15 squats

I managed 19 sets without puking.  That ties my personal best so next time I’ll shoot for 20.  And really if I am not retching at the end have I done my best?

Aidan came back soon after.  The exam went really well.  HA!

Stole Annette away from the hospital long enough for a quick Thai lunch. Her sunny disposition is infectious.  We had a very nice time.

Oil change – long overdue, Caulking for the downstairs shower, picked a copy of Inglourious Basterds.  Hard to know what to say about this one.  Definitely a Tarantino film.  Boys liked it.

Then cooked boys dinner.  Rowed some intervals on the Concept II to make sure that the back damage really takes.  Had a protein shake and now I’m sitting here feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck, listening to Aidan’s computer playing Breaking Benjamin while we read.

BJJ at Martial Arts Planet tomorrow.  Let’s see if I can be a bit more inspired. I’ll ride the foam roller and a tennis ball beforehand to try and loosen up. Maybe a full night of sleep would also be a good idea.

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I grew up in a world where we opened the door for an elderly person, a lady, or someone whose arms were full.  When we asked someone for a favour, we made sure that it was repayed in kind.   We imposed ourselves as little as possible on others, helped wash up at dinner, and gave our friends and family our full attention when we were with them. 

In those days we knew that it was wrong to be a “gossip”.  We kept our mouths closed when we had nothing good to say.  We were generous when praise was warranted.  We assumed that everyone else was as busy as we were, and we understood that we were not that close to the center of the universe.

“Please” and “Thank you” were a reflex back then.  Courteous language was a currency that when traded, and saved, yielded tremendous returns.  We tried very hard not to interrupt others when they were speaking, out of respect, and we tended to hear a lot more, as a result.  Four letter words were avoided, not because were were puritans, but because we knew we could do better, and because we had a wider vocabulary.

Seldom were we late.  Communication was not as casual back then either.  When we got a message we called back right away.  When we were invited to an event we RSVP’d.  We were predictable and we were trustworthy.

These days that courtesy seems to be gone.  The tragedy is that the rules and rituals by which we lived made us consider that other people had lives and hopes and struggles very similar to our own.  Now we impose on others because we have lost touch with what it was to be polite. 

Email and MSN, and Blackberry’s, and voicemail make my life easier everyday.  But the role models for my daily interactions remain people like my mother, who sets a very very high standard for courtesy and caring, and Annette who has a very busy life and yet always makes time for her friends and family.

I have two teeneagers to raise.  They find such dicussions irrelevant in their world of one line texts and multi-multi-multi tasking.   Getting them to understand the importance of manners is sort of like trying to push an elephant through a funnel.  The subject is huge and the focus is narrow.   As Dilbert says  “I guess that will be handy if you ever get a call from 1993″.  Maybe I am becoming a relic.

It is not always easy to be polite.

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I went downstairs and got him some tylenol for his head and some water.  He needed a pillow and a blanket too and then spent about an hour on the bathroom floor.  I got him back in bed around 3:15 am and then spent the rest of the night worrying.

This morning he was exhausted so I called the school to let them know he was staying home.  He slept until 11.  He has sore joints and his eyes ache but no fever.  He’s a bit better now so I think we’ve dodged H1N1.  I have the same symptoms though.  I ache.

No BJJ tonight.  I wanted to be here.  Plus I’m tired.

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Surprisingly, I feel better today than I did yesterday.  Today was the “no gi” day and we started on our feet hunting for opportunities to take our opponent down or to take their back.

Then we worked a short piece on an arm bar from guard with an Americana as back up (maybe more of an elbow crank).

The rest of the time was spent playing with different defence and offence involving butterfly guard.  Some chokes, one wicked neck crank, and some X-guard (at which, for now, I truly suck).

I am writing these down in my journal by hand for now and hope to summarize later.  The progressions are all logical but not always obvious in the execution.  Leo watched us all roll and his instructions were clear and simple.  He focused on key aspects of the particular move and went through the series in an expeditious fashion.

At the end we did a quick review and then rolled.  I went against my son at first and we both confirmed that we know each other’s game entirely too well.  He’s the only opponent who will poke me in the ribs with a finger if I lock him down.

Then I got to roll with Leo Santos for about 5 or 10 minutes.  He is very smooth and the thing I noticed the most was that he anticipated my every move.  And I mean EVERY move.  Very cool.

Then I wrestled Tyler, a blue belt who has been giving me a bit of help in the last few weeks.  With Tyler, what I notice is that I NEVER get in a position of advantage.  I am always defending.  He also lets me know if I am doing something suicidal (it hasn’t helped me yet).

I seemed to have a bit more gas than normal.  Maybe my fitness is improving.

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I’m going to have to collect my thoughts and report back in detail but for now I will say that we worked for 3 hours on butterfly guard and how to sweep, defend the sweep, pass the guard.  It was presented in a logical sequence and I started to feel a bit more comfortable with the positioning as we spent more time drilling.

Here are a couple of pics of my son rolling with Leo Santos at the end.  Leo let him challenge his guard and also to practice what he has learned so far.  Then he rolled with a purple belt for a good 15-20 minutes.  Afterwards he was soaked to the skin.  He drank over 2 ltres of water in class today and is downstairs raiding the fridge as I write.  They’re playing the new call of duty game while I am out for dinner tonight.

Also, two of the strong white belts were promoted at the end of the class in an extended session.   Quite a show of endurance and savvy plays for position.

I’m looking forward to the No-Gi seminar tomorrow.

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Spent the morning doing dishes and cleaning up.  I’m also trying to get a webcam going that I can access from work to keep an eye on the dogs.

BJJ class at Martial Arts Planet was taught by Rebecca and there were only two students so we got the full attention of our instructor.  Cool.

We learned some submissions from the guard.  Essentially, they all started with us taking the opposite sleeve, and sliding the same side hand under that arm to grab our own wrist, Americana style.  Then that trapped arm was pulled up and over our head, providing the opportunity for an overhook on the same side.  With good head control that overhooking arm can grab the opposite collar and thus provide the opportunity for:

1. A collar choke by bringing your free arm across to the same side shouder
2. An elbow lock by shrimping out enough to hyper-extend the elbow joint
3. A kimura by shrimping out tightly and taking the same side arm

If that all fails after shrimping and they reclaim the same side arm, then take their back or reclaim you guard and start again.

Afterwards, had coffee at Starbucks with my girlfriend and then went home to cook the boys dinner.    We had a serious talk about the mountain of dishes they left for me this morning.  They actually admitted that things got a bit out of hand.  They’re good kids.  The kitchen is presentable again.

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So I paid www.ezdivorce.ca in Toronto to prepare all my divorce papers.  They are pretty quick and professional.  They don’t give you any advice but they asked me some questions and I had provide them with some information.  Then they sent me the completed forms in the mail.

I took those documents and the marriage license and met my ex-wife at the Superior Court of Justice here in Kingston.  We swore an affidavit and paid our money.  That was on Oct 5th.

Today I got a letter in the mail from the courts.  My divorce will be final as of Dec. 6th.

It’s been a long road.  When the marriage ended I was devastated.  I was a total mess.  I lived in my car for 2 months and then in a camper van for 4 more months before I finally realized that I needed to get my act together.  At the time I was surprised that I didn’t die of grief.  Apparently it doesn’t work that way.

My parents and my brother and my sister never missed a beat.  They were supportive and made sure that the boys and I always had a soft place to land when we were in Ottawa or Toronto.  And in the summer of 2006 we were there every weekend.

I rented an old beat up farmhouse in Joyceville from a very kind couple.  It was close to the farm which meant close to the boys and it was our home for two and a half years while the separation issues were slowly settled.

During that time I managed to see myself through my first Christmas as a single guy, through hernia surgery at the Shouldice Clinic in Toronto, and through picking up and dropping off my boys with someone else’s truck in the driveway of the farm I had bought for my family.  I watched one of my dogs die in my arms and went through some scary medical issues with one of the boys.

Strangely, as time passed, I started to value my independence and began pursuing interests I had abandoned while I was married.  I got fit, and started playing guitar again.  I spent every minute I could with the boys.  I ran a half marathon and did an athletic seminar in Utah.  I made some friends and reconnected with my family.   I also started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at Martial Arts Planet in February of this year with my younger son.

This summer we sold the farm.  I bought a house for us in Kingston near the boys school.  It is a little two storey that backs on a nice little ravine.  The boys are with me full time now and are doing well in school.  I am dating a really smart and funny girl here in town.

It has been tough but worth it in so many ways.  I appreciate my family and friends more than ever.  I am tougher, but also a little less self centered and more self aware, so I guess it’s all good.

Right now I am playing hooky from BJJ class because I have a major knot in my right hip and can barely walk.  The boys have finished their homework and are gaming online while surfing with their laptops and talking to me.  Multitasking is what this generation does best.  The dishes from dinner are in the sink, there are piles of clothes to fold, and the dogs are watching us through the window from the back porch.

I go through life like most people, baffled and slightly confused.  A microphone placed in my head would hear: “What is she thinking?  Will he come home on time?  Am I driving too fast?  Should I say something? What the hell am I really doing?  Smile!” But every now and then I stop and have a clear moment and realize it’s about taking time to smell the roses and listen to the people you love.  Harder by far than one would think.

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